Wednesday, September 02, 2015

When You Fall Out of Love

Love by Leanna Platts CC BY 2.0

This is not the post I thought I'd be writing today. I was going to have a book review or another discussion up but not this post. Why? Because writing this post, telling you all what this is about scares me. It's terrifying to think that writing these words will give one aspect to this issues I'm not sure I want: certainty. When I put words down, on a computer or paper, it's far too certain for me. And yet, here I am, typing up these words for the whole world to see. But let me back up a little and explain to you why I'm writing this post. And, I want to tell you a story.

Many, if not all, of the books I read has a romance in it. Whether it be the love-to-hate or best-friends-turned-to-love or any of the numerous types of love stories out there, it can be found in books. But the one thing I haven't seen is what happens when you fall out of love. Now, I understand that this doesn't make for the best book around but I can't help but want a book where the main character decides to be single or go explore the world after her romance ends. This isn't to say that she can't find romance anywhere else but I want a book that really, truly, explores the aspect of falling out of love.

So to make my point, let me tell you a story: In high school, I never dated. It was a mix of lots of reasons none of which included thinking I was better than a silly high school romance. Simply put, I just didn't date. It wasn't something I wanted even though I am a die hard romantic. Fast forward to the fall semester of my freshman year of college and like many New Adult books, I met a boy. We went on a date that last about three hours and I thought it was going places. But in the end, it fizzled out. Around November, I knew it was over and I had moved on. I met this new guy and while I thought he was attractive, he was newly out of a relationship with someone I knew and I considered him out of my league.

So during the next semester, I saw more and more of this guy. He was friends with one of my closest friends and the three of us began hanging out. I let go of anything negative thoughts I had and began flirting with him. Long story short, by March of that semester, I asked him out and we began dating. We dated for well over a year and things were going great...but in January of 2015, as a sophomore in college (aka this past school year), something changed for me. I didn't think about him all the time. I didn't look for his texts or phone calls. I didn't have butterflies in my stomach anymore when he called me "sweetheart" and his kisses had lost their magic. I realized that the next two years of my college career were going to be very, very important for me and I wasn't sure if romance was something I needed. Wanted, yes, but not needed.

I reapplied with a sudden, uncomfortable feeling that I had fallen out of love with this guy. He was my first boyfriend and the first guy I share my kiss with (yes, I was 19 when I had my first kiss) and first date and so many more things. Yet, it wasn't enough. The spark had died out and it made me very sad. We dated for the remainder of the semester to bring that spark back but come May, when I was done with my semester, we still didn't break up. It turns out that no matter how we felt, we weren't ready to let go. But about a week ago, we ended it officially.

What I realized is that he was the perfect first boyfriend. He was kind and considerate and made me very happy but he wasn't, at the end of the day, who I needed in my life. He and I had once shared many things but as we'd grown older, those similarities diminished and went away. I want to see the world. I want to learn new languages. I want to bungee jump and sky dive and many other things that scare me. I want to drink coffee and eat macaroon in Paris or watch a theater version of my favorite Shakespeare play in London or learn about the art in Rome. I want to become a lawyer but I don't know what I want to study. I want to have adventures during my college years and make new friends. I want to go clubbing and dance my heart out.

It's not to say that he had to want all of these things for us to have a good relationship. What I'm saying is, I wanted him to want these things for me. I wanted him to support my love for travel and to see new places and even though he did, it wasn't the right kind of support. It was more of a "I'm glad you want to travel but..." That afterthought was always there and it made me seem like a bad person for wanting these things. He talked about missing me and how it would be hard but in times like this, I don't want someone to tell me that. What I want is for a guy to be as excited for this as I am. And I would do the same for him. While this sounds trivial, what I'm trying to say is that I wanted a guy who would support me regardless of what I wanted to do and understand that it wouldn't change how I felt about him. It's not like I won't miss him or that I don't understand what traveling means. It's just that for one moment, just one moment, I want to live in a blissful world where traveling to these far away places is possible without bringing in our relationship.

Because I am that die hard romantic who believes that there is someone out there for everyone, I think that eventually, my prince charming will come. We'll banter and argue and get angry but come back together again. He might be someone I already know or someone I have yet to meet. But for now, I'm okay with being single. I'm still sad that this happened and even though I will love this guy forever, I'm not stating to become okay with not having him in my life.

I feel like I've rambled on so I'm going to attempt to wrap things up. In the end, I want more books that deal with good to honest falling out of love scenarios. I know that sounds boring but I want one regardless. I want a heroine who simply don't love a guy even though he's nice and kind and supportive. Because sometimes, you just fall out of love.

What do you all think? Am I crazy for thinking/wanting this kind of book? Have you ever been in this situation? How did you handle it? 

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1 comment:

  1. I haven't been in your exact situation. My first kiss was at 18 and I ended up marrying the guy. :) However, I think your feelings are completely reasonable. It's not that he's a bad guy for wanting someone who will stay around, but that's not what you need right now. I think the "girl-finds-herself-after-break-up" is out there, but I just don't read too many of them since I always want it to end up in romance again, which defeats the point. Lol. But I think they are out there and you can certainly live your own!